Forebearance

I need to learn to be more patient.

Saturday

Last Saturday, I went with my Aunt Sista to spread the remainder of my Grandma's ashes as a Birthday gift (her birthday is on the 6th). She told me we were doing it so that, maybe, if the ashes were out of her house, she could stop having so many dreams about her (a few is ok, but every other night would pull at anyone's heartstrings).

With Grandma chilling in the backseat, we made it the cemetery where other members of my family lay. Grandpa Fletcher who I never met. Cousin Chris who passed away when I was too young to really get a clear picture of him (when I turned his age, which was during my high school years, I wondered what sort of relationship we would have--I'm confident it would have been like brothers). While drinking my new slimming tea, we unscrewed the mahogany box she was in and and released her ashes over her marker and around Grandpa, through the wind. The first time I dealt with cremated ashes, I was surprised to notice how grainy their were instead of the fine powder I expected. It reminded me that the body is made of bones and other tough material that enable us to get through this life and withstand all sorts of abuse.

The ashes got on my jeans, on my hanky, and on my mug. It reminded me of the scene from "Relax...It's Just Sex" when the cast released the ashes on the wind at the beach and it flew back into their faces. It wasn't a sad occassion in the movie, and it wasn't sad in my reality either.

I still miss Grandma, and while I can talk about her and of her without the tears, I wonder what life would be like if she were still here, and whether it would resemble this present in any sort of way. I know there are certain things I would've done and would not have done if she were still around, and the question of her approval wouldn't be so pressing for me, but, man, you can't question God like that.

So, because I communicate best through music, I dedicate this song to her memory, and to the hope of seeing her again some day.

Question (to the world and to self):

When does being "grown and sexy" amount to nothing but pure slutty-ness?

I mean, even if it is tempting to the eye, like food, it doesn't mean one should put it in his mouth.

Blizzards

Last night, on my way home to Pittsboro at around 1:30am, I was attacked by a freak snow storm.

Sure, it wasn't all that "freak" because it was predicted on the news, but as I was driving the rain changed to hard-hitting snow in an instant. Soon, I could hardly see the way in front of me, and my wipers were on the high. I would have missed the snow and got home a little earlier, but one of the customers (one who I used to have a crush on before I realized just how sketch the people he hangs out with are) needed a ride home, along with my co-worker/friend who always needs a ride home these days, who first had to go to an ATM...anyway, I was delayed, and while driving in teh snow, I felt as if I were going to die.

I've been having these sensations for some time now. I've even been cleaving to God a lot more often and more passionately than I have in the past few years. part of that is because of my grandma's passing, but also because mortality is certain and life is not. I've got my eyes focused on the kingdom more-so than in the present. And that's fine, because that's where they should be, but it's more because the present is so drab and dreary that there's nothing else to look forward too.

Call it senioritis, but I call it fatalism.

(side topic)
My teacher for this philosophy/religious studies/asian studies course, called me, or rather what I say, "arrogant." Whatever, bitch.

Flesh fell from his bones, yo!

I got the most horrendous cold from a co-worker. I think I could have escaped it if I hadn't closed a record four times in a row alongside her for three of those nights. I was so broken down that by Friday I skipped Econ class again, flunked a homework assignment, and escaped towards home.

Everything was going well last week, too, since I really was on my A-game about getting things done. I realize completely what people mean by "at least you've got your health." Things were shitty before, but man, not being able to control your body is no fun at all.

This is my new slow jam song, btw:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYmjMaiQ1mA

For the grown-folks only.

Entries of more substance will come later. I need to catch my bearings first.

Seduction

(Fall 2008)

Seduction.
Grasping my neck
drawing me in
biting my ear
gripping my jeans...
pulling them down, down, down
and me drowning deep, deep,
dropping to him, my knees,
and forgetting my truth.

Seduction,
away from me I
fly to you, feeling
my feet dragging along
the earth. flagrant
abandonment and threadbare silk,
flaired leather and
moth-eaten cloth.

Seduction,
made me open my eyes
and clear my throat--
shake my dick
and man up real hard
to stand up to you.
Competition, with my lovers,
in the streets, under covers,
until seduction,
pulsating kryponite,
pulled me in, wiped me out.

Be Ready...

A Change is coming...

Updates coming soon.