Thursday, February 26, 2009
三八
我就是一个三八。
但是，什么时候三八受到了不好的意思呢？
我想，关于女权主义美国女人以及中国女人对于这个主题具有一样的想法。美国人也怕又努力又独立的妇女。于我家庭中，有能力的女人并不是另类的事情。
比方说，我妈妈是单亲。虽然不是最好的情况，不但她代表我所有的妇女可当的：超人。
What's also interesting is that this is an international holiday, and while it's prominence is widely felt on the streets of Beijing (at least), we haven't brought the holiday to our shores, and I think that this says more about our chauvinistic tendencies more-so than the Chinese's.
Beating Daybreak
I dawned under you...
midnight, forcefully, you made
me cum nighttime shine.
(from 15 July 2008)
I want to keep my livejournal 4-ever...anyone know how (other than copying and pasting the whole damn thing)?
midnight, forcefully, you made
me cum nighttime shine.
(from 15 July 2008)
I want to keep my livejournal 4-ever...anyone know how (other than copying and pasting the whole damn thing)?
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
The itis
Since I escaped this during high school, because I still had AP courses, was in a lot of clubs, and was in a very competitive academic environment, I managed to avoid this affliction.
However, in college, my disenchantment with the whole ivory tower and realizing that, because I've taken so many courses, my GPA won't budge anymore significantly, and also having guarded myself against complete failure in my courses, I have this condition in full swing, and am not very concerned by the whole matter.
My list of priorities are as such:
1) Family & Very Close Friends
2) Work (Caribou)
3) Work (CAC)
4) Friends
5) Sleep
6) Classical Chinese
7) Cultural Revolution
8) China World Views
9) Econ
It's great to already by employed ^__^. It's like a weight has been lifted. I already know what I'm going to do after college, and although that has it's own slew of problems, at least I know I'll have some sort of security during the E.C. (economic crisis--it's so important now, people are starting to abbreviate it).
So, fuck college. Even if I dropped out now, I'd still have a degree, two minors, and I could still wear a cloudy blue gown. Life is sweet, and I refuse to let academics bring me down. I'll be a stellar student in Grad School, promise.
However, in college, my disenchantment with the whole ivory tower and realizing that, because I've taken so many courses, my GPA won't budge anymore significantly, and also having guarded myself against complete failure in my courses, I have this condition in full swing, and am not very concerned by the whole matter.
My list of priorities are as such:
1) Family & Very Close Friends
2) Work (Caribou)
3) Work (CAC)
4) Friends
5) Sleep
6) Classical Chinese
7) Cultural Revolution
8) China World Views
9) Econ
It's great to already by employed ^__^. It's like a weight has been lifted. I already know what I'm going to do after college, and although that has it's own slew of problems, at least I know I'll have some sort of security during the E.C. (economic crisis--it's so important now, people are starting to abbreviate it).
So, fuck college. Even if I dropped out now, I'd still have a degree, two minors, and I could still wear a cloudy blue gown. Life is sweet, and I refuse to let academics bring me down. I'll be a stellar student in Grad School, promise.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
young and poor
I understand the desperation that comes from being in debt.
When I was little, I saw from my mom and other people in the community what it was like to be poor, and while most managed to stay afloat, the threat of falling under literally shortens people's lives, deprives them of happiness, and creates a world outlook that looks on prosperity with a hint of contempt and acrid jealousy.
Graduating from college, and swearing that I would become financially independent upon my graduation, I recently took a long, hard look at my finances. They're quite scary, and will get scarier in the coming year(s). My goal is to be free of all debts related to undergrad by the time I go to graduate school. To do that, I'll have to start slinging crack, of working at the Rusty Jiggler nights and weekends.
Luckily, I learned after years of squandering my money how to save it, be wise with my purchases, and to value the importance of a savings account (you're supposed to SAVE in it, not just to hold money until you can spend it, nor is it for keeping a backup in case you overdraft). I'm still a little scared, especially since I've taken my car, Bertha Nellie, to get her state inspection, which I failed, because 5 things are wrong with her. The price of getting it all fixed is unspeakable.
How does one make more money when one has very little? Get another job, but the idea of working 2.5 jobs while going to class full time...yikes! I don't want to take out anymore loans, nor do I want to max out any credit cards...it seems like a cruel joke, really, especially when I JUST accepted a job that doesn't start for months and will incur quite a few expenses before I can recoup any of the initial costs.
Jeez...to be young and poor.
When I was little, I saw from my mom and other people in the community what it was like to be poor, and while most managed to stay afloat, the threat of falling under literally shortens people's lives, deprives them of happiness, and creates a world outlook that looks on prosperity with a hint of contempt and acrid jealousy.
Graduating from college, and swearing that I would become financially independent upon my graduation, I recently took a long, hard look at my finances. They're quite scary, and will get scarier in the coming year(s). My goal is to be free of all debts related to undergrad by the time I go to graduate school. To do that, I'll have to start slinging crack, of working at the Rusty Jiggler nights and weekends.
Luckily, I learned after years of squandering my money how to save it, be wise with my purchases, and to value the importance of a savings account (you're supposed to SAVE in it, not just to hold money until you can spend it, nor is it for keeping a backup in case you overdraft). I'm still a little scared, especially since I've taken my car, Bertha Nellie, to get her state inspection, which I failed, because 5 things are wrong with her. The price of getting it all fixed is unspeakable.
How does one make more money when one has very little? Get another job, but the idea of working 2.5 jobs while going to class full time...yikes! I don't want to take out anymore loans, nor do I want to max out any credit cards...it seems like a cruel joke, really, especially when I JUST accepted a job that doesn't start for months and will incur quite a few expenses before I can recoup any of the initial costs.
Jeez...to be young and poor.
Friday, February 20, 2009
May 10, 2009
My Momma on graduation day, when she realizes that she won't have to listen to my angry phone calls and rants anymore:
Oh, and she just bought her first wig 2 weeks ago. Wigs rock! \\ ^_^ //
Oh, and she just bought her first wig 2 weeks ago. Wigs rock! \\ ^_^ //
深圳
*rant*
I was writing a message in Daegan's comments, and now it's turned into this.
The original comment was:
"...why is everyone badmouthing the whole teaching gig? Don't they know that me (and Diadra, and other Chinese majors) are in China to become super fancy specialist later on in life? I mean, damn! I'm not a foreign skeezoid, and I'm not there to lay down next to Chinese women. I wanna speak Chinese better than a 3 year old and make some guan-xi, shop, pay some loans, build up a resume, and scout out a high-paying job while studying for the 汉语水平考试 and the GRE. Jeez...>_<"
For further elaboration: I'm going to China because I have a certain set of goals in mind, and I want to accomplish them, and this is the best way that I can find at this time to get them done. It's not like I've never been to China before, but having been twice already and having a fairly good idea of what to expect, I'm not walking into this whole China experience with my head up my ass. I can speak a dabbling of Chinese, I enjoy my experience teaching English through BOLD at UNC and through my teaching gig in Xiamen, and while I may not love Shenzhen (because I haven't seen it all, I'm sure), I love Hong Kong, and can appreciate the location and it's proximity to other places as well as the friend(s...when Alex comes) I have there and my love of traveling and stepping out of my comfort zone (and, on some occasion, Chinese boys and men with accents).
When I first went to Beijing, I used to crack on the English teachers because they all fit the same profile: white men, non-Chinese speakers despite years in the country, sketch-ass, drunks, impassioned, and in China because they can't do anything better with their lives in their home countries. Also, what drove them to China (or to Korea, Namibia, and Saudi Arabia) was not an open-minded outlook and a thirst for adventure, but more of a chance to get over on some people who are in a more dire economic circumstance than they are. Now, after my Xiamen period, I've discovered that an English teacher doesn't have to fit that mold, and that the position is as big or as little as one makes it. I have the goals in mind that I listed above, and I plan to move onto something better as soon as I get the chance. Now, better has several connotations in my mind, and the biggest one is this: if my school offers me more money to stay on, and I'm not where I want to be at that stage in my life later at that time, then I'll keep my ass in Shenzhen and won't miss a second of accepting a good opportunity if I can get my hands on it.
Of course, in order to go to China, I'm giving up a lot, and knowing the fear I have that an episode like the one I had with my Grandma's passing may occur again, I'm proud that I won't let fear the Enemy implanted in my rule my life. I'm not running away from my family and friends because I love them dearly and the mean so much to me. What I'm doing is claiming my victory and what God has in store for my by accepting this opportunity, and running after a dream instead of sitting around wondering what could have been, filled with regret about the opportunities I didn't take when I had the chance. One things I know for certain is this: you don't always have the chance because a tomorrow is not promised to anything (death is promised but life is not). So, as long as I have breath in my body, I'm going to get through this life the best way I know how: doing whatever God will have me to do. There's a big difference between running away and running toward a destination.
How did I decide a day early? I was at Caribou, working on a paper due at 12:30 that I had just started at 7:30. I went to go potty, and while I was sitting there, Something came over me, and I knew what my answer was to be. Yes, it was in the potty, and yes, it was while I was sitting down, and YES! it wasn't in my plans, but I had asked for some divine help on this problem, and God provided, sure enough. Now, I don't know what is in store for me, but anything that the Lord has given his approval for will not fail. It might not turn out how we expect it to, but it won't be a waste of time.
So, while I didn't have the idea of becoming an English teacher in my plans, I'm thankful that it's with one of the best programs in China and that I will come out of it with skills and experience I wouldn't have had otherwise. I'm happy with my decision, and while it's still a ways off from August and the idea hasn't really settled in yet, I'm that in a few months I'll be able to rename this blog "Grinding through the Orient" because that's exactly what I'll be doing.
*rant end*
I'm seriously considering going into some sort of ministry. Not like divinity school or anything of that nature, but I think I want to work with troubled youth or as someone's guidance coach or a support system for someone who doesn't have one. Any opportunities?
I was writing a message in Daegan's comments, and now it's turned into this.
The original comment was:
"...why is everyone badmouthing the whole teaching gig? Don't they know that me (and Diadra, and other Chinese majors) are in China to become super fancy specialist later on in life? I mean, damn! I'm not a foreign skeezoid, and I'm not there to lay down next to Chinese women. I wanna speak Chinese better than a 3 year old and make some guan-xi, shop, pay some loans, build up a resume, and scout out a high-paying job while studying for the 汉语水平考试 and the GRE. Jeez...>_<"
For further elaboration: I'm going to China because I have a certain set of goals in mind, and I want to accomplish them, and this is the best way that I can find at this time to get them done. It's not like I've never been to China before, but having been twice already and having a fairly good idea of what to expect, I'm not walking into this whole China experience with my head up my ass. I can speak a dabbling of Chinese, I enjoy my experience teaching English through BOLD at UNC and through my teaching gig in Xiamen, and while I may not love Shenzhen (because I haven't seen it all, I'm sure), I love Hong Kong, and can appreciate the location and it's proximity to other places as well as the friend(s...when Alex comes) I have there and my love of traveling and stepping out of my comfort zone (and, on some occasion, Chinese boys and men with accents).
When I first went to Beijing, I used to crack on the English teachers because they all fit the same profile: white men, non-Chinese speakers despite years in the country, sketch-ass, drunks, impassioned, and in China because they can't do anything better with their lives in their home countries. Also, what drove them to China (or to Korea, Namibia, and Saudi Arabia) was not an open-minded outlook and a thirst for adventure, but more of a chance to get over on some people who are in a more dire economic circumstance than they are. Now, after my Xiamen period, I've discovered that an English teacher doesn't have to fit that mold, and that the position is as big or as little as one makes it. I have the goals in mind that I listed above, and I plan to move onto something better as soon as I get the chance. Now, better has several connotations in my mind, and the biggest one is this: if my school offers me more money to stay on, and I'm not where I want to be at that stage in my life later at that time, then I'll keep my ass in Shenzhen and won't miss a second of accepting a good opportunity if I can get my hands on it.
Of course, in order to go to China, I'm giving up a lot, and knowing the fear I have that an episode like the one I had with my Grandma's passing may occur again, I'm proud that I won't let fear the Enemy implanted in my rule my life. I'm not running away from my family and friends because I love them dearly and the mean so much to me. What I'm doing is claiming my victory and what God has in store for my by accepting this opportunity, and running after a dream instead of sitting around wondering what could have been, filled with regret about the opportunities I didn't take when I had the chance. One things I know for certain is this: you don't always have the chance because a tomorrow is not promised to anything (death is promised but life is not). So, as long as I have breath in my body, I'm going to get through this life the best way I know how: doing whatever God will have me to do. There's a big difference between running away and running toward a destination.
How did I decide a day early? I was at Caribou, working on a paper due at 12:30 that I had just started at 7:30. I went to go potty, and while I was sitting there, Something came over me, and I knew what my answer was to be. Yes, it was in the potty, and yes, it was while I was sitting down, and YES! it wasn't in my plans, but I had asked for some divine help on this problem, and God provided, sure enough. Now, I don't know what is in store for me, but anything that the Lord has given his approval for will not fail. It might not turn out how we expect it to, but it won't be a waste of time.
So, while I didn't have the idea of becoming an English teacher in my plans, I'm thankful that it's with one of the best programs in China and that I will come out of it with skills and experience I wouldn't have had otherwise. I'm happy with my decision, and while it's still a ways off from August and the idea hasn't really settled in yet, I'm that in a few months I'll be able to rename this blog "Grinding through the Orient" because that's exactly what I'll be doing.
*rant end*
I'm seriously considering going into some sort of ministry. Not like divinity school or anything of that nature, but I think I want to work with troubled youth or as someone's guidance coach or a support system for someone who doesn't have one. Any opportunities?
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Goku
Tell me, so I can understand:
Why is a white Canadian man, Justin Chatwin, going to play Goku in the upcoming Dragonball: Evolution movie?
The film will be released in Asia in March and will come out in America around April. This says a lot in itself since American-made movies often come out here first since the threat of piracy won't diminish the sales our biggest production companies want. Moreover, if a movie surrounding a Japanese franchise (manga, anime, all that) will be released in Asia first, why not make the character at least faux-Japanese (Edison Chen or Stephen Chow come to mind) so that the movie won't be such a dramatic departure from the spirit of the franchise. Or, why not make it cast of all Western actors instead of the majority-Asian ensemble cast? Or, why not reach out a little Hollywood and find a Japanese-American (it's fuckin' California) to play the lead and cast the rest however you want? They found one Chinese-American to be in the film already.
Also, for Chow Yun-Fat to put his name on this piece of muckity-muck shows me that the man is suffering from a bit of despearation in his old age.
This whole mess stinks of Ghandi. I think I'll be pissed off until I see JFK played by Terrence Howard.
Why is a white Canadian man, Justin Chatwin, going to play Goku in the upcoming Dragonball: Evolution movie?
The film will be released in Asia in March and will come out in America around April. This says a lot in itself since American-made movies often come out here first since the threat of piracy won't diminish the sales our biggest production companies want. Moreover, if a movie surrounding a Japanese franchise (manga, anime, all that) will be released in Asia first, why not make the character at least faux-Japanese (Edison Chen or Stephen Chow come to mind) so that the movie won't be such a dramatic departure from the spirit of the franchise. Or, why not make it cast of all Western actors instead of the majority-Asian ensemble cast? Or, why not reach out a little Hollywood and find a Japanese-American (it's fuckin' California) to play the lead and cast the rest however you want? They found one Chinese-American to be in the film already.
Also, for Chow Yun-Fat to put his name on this piece of muckity-muck shows me that the man is suffering from a bit of despearation in his old age.
This whole mess stinks of Ghandi. I think I'll be pissed off until I see JFK played by Terrence Howard.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Graduation
Can I just say, when I graduate from UNC, I will be like Patti Labelle in this video 3:37-5:43.
No, I won't be singing like her, but dammit, I thought of myself rolling around the floor like her, and I started to giggle. It is HILARIOUS~!
It's 4:18AM. What am I going to do about that Econ test tomorrow?
No, I won't be singing like her, but dammit, I thought of myself rolling around the floor like her, and I started to giggle. It is HILARIOUS~!
It's 4:18AM. What am I going to do about that Econ test tomorrow?
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Happy Valentine's Day
这是多么美妙的夜晚树叶随着影子移动
月亮从风中照射下来透明的让人感到害怕
黄色的草根上沾满了你那些被冻住的眼泪
白色的霜在半夜里到来除了风，还是风
但你知道在一公里外的某个地方
有些恐惧才刚刚开始
这是多么美妙的夜晚你躺着却无法入睡
世界在你的身体里面却总是抵不上一个思想
这是多么美妙的思想美妙的让人感到害怕
这些思想都是我的，你说谁也不能将它偷走
但你知道在一公里外的某个地方
有些恐惧才刚刚开始
烟被吐出，时间变慢酒精被倒进干净的杯子
煤气点燃，电灯被拉亮音乐随着顺序出现
书被打开又被合上皮鞋踩着地板的声音
总是让人感到紧张
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Saturday
Last Saturday, I went with my Aunt Sista to spread the remainder of my Grandma's ashes as a Birthday gift (her birthday is on the 6th). She told me we were doing it so that, maybe, if the ashes were out of her house, she could stop having so many dreams about her (a few is ok, but every other night would pull at anyone's heartstrings).
With Grandma chilling in the backseat, we made it the cemetery where other members of my family lay. Grandpa Fletcher who I never met. Cousin Chris who passed away when I was too young to really get a clear picture of him (when I turned his age, which was during my high school years, I wondered what sort of relationship we would have--I'm confident it would have been like brothers). While drinking my new slimming tea, we unscrewed the mahogany box she was in and and released her ashes over her marker and around Grandpa, through the wind. The first time I dealt with cremated ashes, I was surprised to notice how grainy their were instead of the fine powder I expected. It reminded me that the body is made of bones and other tough material that enable us to get through this life and withstand all sorts of abuse.
The ashes got on my jeans, on my hanky, and on my mug. It reminded me of the scene from "Relax...It's Just Sex" when the cast released the ashes on the wind at the beach and it flew back into their faces. It wasn't a sad occassion in the movie, and it wasn't sad in my reality either.
I still miss Grandma, and while I can talk about her and of her without the tears, I wonder what life would be like if she were still here, and whether it would resemble this present in any sort of way. I know there are certain things I would've done and would not have done if she were still around, and the question of her approval wouldn't be so pressing for me, but, man, you can't question God like that.
So, because I communicate best through music, I dedicate this song to her memory, and to the hope of seeing her again some day.
With Grandma chilling in the backseat, we made it the cemetery where other members of my family lay. Grandpa Fletcher who I never met. Cousin Chris who passed away when I was too young to really get a clear picture of him (when I turned his age, which was during my high school years, I wondered what sort of relationship we would have--I'm confident it would have been like brothers). While drinking my new slimming tea, we unscrewed the mahogany box she was in and and released her ashes over her marker and around Grandpa, through the wind. The first time I dealt with cremated ashes, I was surprised to notice how grainy their were instead of the fine powder I expected. It reminded me that the body is made of bones and other tough material that enable us to get through this life and withstand all sorts of abuse.
The ashes got on my jeans, on my hanky, and on my mug. It reminded me of the scene from "Relax...It's Just Sex" when the cast released the ashes on the wind at the beach and it flew back into their faces. It wasn't a sad occassion in the movie, and it wasn't sad in my reality either.
I still miss Grandma, and while I can talk about her and of her without the tears, I wonder what life would be like if she were still here, and whether it would resemble this present in any sort of way. I know there are certain things I would've done and would not have done if she were still around, and the question of her approval wouldn't be so pressing for me, but, man, you can't question God like that.
So, because I communicate best through music, I dedicate this song to her memory, and to the hope of seeing her again some day.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Blizzards
Last night, on my way home to Pittsboro at around 1:30am, I was attacked by a freak snow storm.
Sure, it wasn't all that "freak" because it was predicted on the news, but as I was driving the rain changed to hard-hitting snow in an instant. Soon, I could hardly see the way in front of me, and my wipers were on the high. I would have missed the snow and got home a little earlier, but one of the customers (one who I used to have a crush on before I realized just how sketch the people he hangs out with are) needed a ride home, along with my co-worker/friend who always needs a ride home these days, who first had to go to an ATM...anyway, I was delayed, and while driving in teh snow, I felt as if I were going to die.
I've been having these sensations for some time now. I've even been cleaving to God a lot more often and more passionately than I have in the past few years. part of that is because of my grandma's passing, but also because mortality is certain and life is not. I've got my eyes focused on the kingdom more-so than in the present. And that's fine, because that's where they should be, but it's more because the present is so drab and dreary that there's nothing else to look forward too.
Call it senioritis, but I call it fatalism.
(side topic)
My teacher for this philosophy/religious studies/asian studies course, called me, or rather what I say, "arrogant." Whatever, bitch.
Sure, it wasn't all that "freak" because it was predicted on the news, but as I was driving the rain changed to hard-hitting snow in an instant. Soon, I could hardly see the way in front of me, and my wipers were on the high. I would have missed the snow and got home a little earlier, but one of the customers (one who I used to have a crush on before I realized just how sketch the people he hangs out with are) needed a ride home, along with my co-worker/friend who always needs a ride home these days, who first had to go to an ATM...anyway, I was delayed, and while driving in teh snow, I felt as if I were going to die.
I've been having these sensations for some time now. I've even been cleaving to God a lot more often and more passionately than I have in the past few years. part of that is because of my grandma's passing, but also because mortality is certain and life is not. I've got my eyes focused on the kingdom more-so than in the present. And that's fine, because that's where they should be, but it's more because the present is so drab and dreary that there's nothing else to look forward too.
Call it senioritis, but I call it fatalism.
(side topic)
My teacher for this philosophy/religious studies/asian studies course, called me, or rather what I say, "arrogant." Whatever, bitch.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Flesh fell from his bones, yo!
I got the most horrendous cold from a co-worker. I think I could have escaped it if I hadn't closed a record four times in a row alongside her for three of those nights. I was so broken down that by Friday I skipped Econ class again, flunked a homework assignment, and escaped towards home.
Everything was going well last week, too, since I really was on my A-game about getting things done. I realize completely what people mean by "at least you've got your health." Things were shitty before, but man, not being able to control your body is no fun at all.
This is my new slow jam song, btw:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYmjMaiQ1mA
For the grown-folks only.
Entries of more substance will come later. I need to catch my bearings first.
Everything was going well last week, too, since I really was on my A-game about getting things done. I realize completely what people mean by "at least you've got your health." Things were shitty before, but man, not being able to control your body is no fun at all.
This is my new slow jam song, btw:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYmjMaiQ1mA
For the grown-folks only.
Entries of more substance will come later. I need to catch my bearings first.
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