Penis!

(more frequently update at frozensilver17.livejournal.com, 'cause China does not block it...bastards)

OMG, Chinese people--

STOP LOOKING AT MY PENIS!

I'm talking to the men specifically. Whenever I go to the bathroom and I'm at the urinal that's placed too low, I'mma need for you to stop trying to catch a peak at what's betwixt my legs! It's not all the time, but it's enough times for me to notice. I know I look different, but isn't enough that you study my hair, skin, height, weight, shoe size, and all those other things that make me stand out? Must my penis also fall prey to your investigations?

And they're so sly about it. They don't turn their entire head and pee over the (unlikely) division between the urinals, but ever so obviously look out of the corners of their eyes to see what's up.Meanwhile, bathroom etiquette and standards of privacy are just thrown out of the window. In America, when we menfolk do our business, we pull close to the urinal so that no one might be offended by our naughty bits.

The Chinese, however, don't, and will stand about 3 feet away from the urinal, stream and all visible to anyone who walks past. It is not uncommon for a guy to see another guy's wang in public here, but even more so, it is even encouraged with all the public bathing and rituals that kids carry out, like telling their foreign English teacher that the classmates penis is very big, and that his own is very small. Chinese boys, though, are like monkeys--always climbing on each other, giving each other massages, sometimes holding hands, undoubtedly linking arms...I'd get turned on if I didn't prefer to play with kids my own age.So, yes--China likes the ding-ding. And my ding-ding is a fancy new toy.

Let the games begin ^____^

Reposted

At Starbucks again... I never thought I'd be a Starbucks fan since I worked for its closest rival for a year.

Earlier today it was raining, as Grandma used to say, "pitchforks and nigger babies." I'm not sure if she would've wanted me to say that she said that, but she did say that, and it was funny 'cause it just kind of popped out of her mouth and I was like all like, "Grandma! I can't believe you said that! Hahahaha!" As it gets closer to the one year mark of when she went home, I'm sad that she's not around, but not as sad as if we had not settled all our debts.

I remember about a year ago going to her house to say goodbye before I went to China. We had a good talk about why I wawsn't going to church and hadn't gone that day (I'm a bad boy), but I left feeling encouraged, loved, and forgivin for my transgressions. I remember kissing her on the cheek, telling her I loved her (and being told I was loved), and also saying I would see her again before either one of us knew it. The last part is equally true--we will see each other again someday, and in the meantime, I'm going to live the kind of life that hopefully will make people remember me as fondly when I pass on.

I swear I'm taking pictures! I have quite a few--of my neighborhood, the campus on which I teach, some random gardens and buddhas, nights out with friends...but when i tired to upload them I had some issues, so I gave up. I'll try again, or I'll put them somewhere else and send you all the link. Tomorrow, I start teaching. I made this beautiful Powerpoint presentation only to go to MY classroom (yes, it's all mine--I have the key and everything), only to find out that most of my equipment is hard to find out, especially when it's written in Chinese. Even more strange, I didn't find any chalk in the classroom, nor erasers--I'm not sure if I have to provide them myself or not, but if I do, I might as well be working at some underfunded, inner-city school in the states. Think of me as Michelle Phifer in Dangerous Minds, only I'm a black man and my students are Chinese.

Speaking of my students, I see them all over campus the last couple of days, and I swear they're having "black man sightings" or something. When they see me, they go "Waaaaa..." (translation: Chinese for "whoooooo!") and tell their friends. Today, I went into McDonald's and one of my students told the person on the phone that he saw the foriegn teacher in Chinese. I turned around and said "Yes, you're right! You got it" in Chinese to him, and of course he felt all bashful and stuff. Oh well, I'm a celebrity before I even step into the classroom--I just got to make sure I can back it up.

Speaking of being black, my contact teachers are ridiculous. Apparently, they had a black teacher before me, so the contact teacher thought it was fitting to tell me, "You don't have a black accent." I was like, "Um...no, I don't. *smile*" She then said that the person was some dude from Georgia, and knowing how black people talk in Georgia, I completely understand where she was coming from ^_^ (shoutout to the Augusta clan!). She then asked me did I play any sports >_> to which I said I was focusing on my studies for most of school so I didn't play. She then replied she heardt that black people are good at sports, and I told her that was a scandelous lie. Next time I should tell her, "Yes, we are good at sports. And dancing, singing, making babies, running the United States, writing books, killing people, having HIV, and filling people with the Holy Ghost." Yes, black people are a very diverse group, just like ANY OTHER RACE. But since I don't want to get fired or scare this Chinese woman silly, I'll hold back.
I also let cool Chinese people touch my hair. This Chinese girl I met through a person in the program who speaks fantastic English likes to touch my hair. Usually I would say no, but she is just so fascinated by it I let it slide. I'm building cross-cultural bridges every day ^_^.

The coffee is starting to hit me, as you might be able to tell 'cause I'm writing really silly things :-)

I'm still alive

I am a living testimony.
I could'a been dead and gone,
But, Lord, You let me live on.
I am a living testimony,
And I thank the Lord that I'm still alive.

Ever feel like you can't think?

That's what I feel like, a lot of the time. I think that I've confused my mellowing-out in the last few years to be a sign of my increasing stupidity. I'm not as passionate about issues, people, or concepts as I used to be, but maybe that's because my life has gotten better instead of worse in the last couple of years. My idea of a good time consists of being in pajamas, talking on my cell phone, and watching Law & Order marathons on TNT/USA.

But besides that, with an impending adventure on the horizon, I have something to look forward to, and to fear, and to dread. But, that's ok. Being able to look at movies or travel specials and to say, "I've been there before! Look, Ma!" makes me thrilled to be alive. Quiet afternoons with friends or locopops or drives through Hillsborough...

Yea. The Sweet Life.

By the way, did you hear about the man in the moon?


--I Got Life

How dare you.

Really? You're scum. You've been beating on a woman? On the mother of your child? You've been making the lives of your loved ones hell, and exercising your manhood by flexing your muscles at people weaker than you? You drive my friend to tears, drive her our of her home, drive her to the law, and drive her into a life of possible misery because you chose to show your anger through your fist instead of stepping up to the challenge of being a competent adult.

May God curse you. Dead.

I like it.

I've got to tell you
how I love you always
I think of it on grey
mornings with death

in my mouth the tea
is never hot enough
then and the cigarette
dry the maroon robe

chills me I need you
and look out the window
at the noiseless snow

At night on the dock
the buses glow like
clouds and I am lonely
thinking of flutes

I miss you always
when I go to the beach
the sand is wet with
tears that seem mine

although I never weep
and hold you in my
heart with a very real
humour you'd be proud of

the parking lot is
crowded and I stand
rattling my keys the car
is empty as a bicycle

what are you doing now
where did you eat your
lunch and were there
lots of anchovies it

is difficult to think
of you without me in
the sentence you depress
me when you are alone

Last night the stars
were numerous and today
snow is their calling
card I'll not be cordial

there is nothing that
distracts me music is
only a crossword puzzle
do you know how it is

when you are the only
passenger if there is a
place further from me
I beg you do not go

Frank O'Hara [1926-1966], 'Morning'

Focus

When you listen to God/Instincts/that inner voice inside of you, there's no way you can be wrong.

What I hoped would happen in regards to my finances has happened because, well, I trusted in that inner voices, and out of nowhere, a way has been made without a refund check. A man who labors will reap the rewards he seeks.

I'm re-reading Go Tell it on the Mountain by James Baldwin because the first time I read it, I was too young, and while I remember it being greatly influential at the time, I didn't have the life experiences to really put what I learned into practice. The desperation the main characters feel when they must confront how to best handle their worldly instincts with those aligned to a higher purpose is present to me in several ways, currently my battle with quitting smoking, which I've failed to do. Although I know that in the long run smoking has no positive benefits whatsoever, it's remarkable that the urge to puff is so ingrained in my daily rituals that a day without cigs is unthinkable. Quite literally, a strong agitation grips me when I see the last two or three cigs in the box, and I start to calculate whether the final ones will get me through the night, whether I'll have to run by the store, or just how long will I have to wait before lung cancer/emphesyma/poverty force me out of my habit.

The higher purpose of what I should do is without a doubt more beneficial, yet the pull of the nicotine, the image I can project, and the habits reinforced by the cigarette are so alluring it's hard to put them down. A similar instance takes place in the book where John, a young boy brow-beaten by his parent's religious fanaticism, stands on top of a hill, gazing down at the city before him. He sees the perils of Hell throughout the city, but cannot resist descending into the belly of the town, watching a worldly moving, and identifying so deeply with the woman in the film who so proudly sticks it to everyone who knows her. I so got it, and James Baldwin's queerness saturates his writing, crafting beautiful scenarios and descriptions with which I easily identify.

---

I'm trying to learn Korean, but dammit, I have trouble remembering the vocab. This has never been a problem in the beginning stages of any language I've studied. Any suggestions on what I should do?

+_+_+

Graduate

I'm a college graduate. Yay.

I mean, HALLELUJAH~!

Having anticipated something for so long, it's great to see it realized because only a few weeks ago everything was shrouded in impossibilities. At times, I wasn't sure I would complete the semester, much less with anything considered to be "passing." But, I did, and I'm grateful. So very grateful.

In preparation for the next stop on the journey of life, I'm spending my entire summer working to procure money for a program I'm not really sure I'll enjoy, far away from the people I love in a city I'm kind of ambivalent about (which is a step up from the hate I felt towards it a few weeks ago), yet standing at this precipice, I feel the fear that comes when one is prepared to start something new, and being used to the emotion, I take it in stride.

My friends are adults now, and I guess college was the last step before reaching true adulthood. I don't feel anymore mature, just more powerful, like no one has the power to take anything away from me that I don't willingly give them. It's a great place to be, because being accountable only to myself and God, the possibilities of life are limitless if I work harder. Wow.

Timeless

Which one is better (or sappier)?



or



In truth, I didn't even know the English one existed...

Recently

Derek and Sarah

Jon, Phebe, and Derek

Derek + Travis

Derek + Phebe (the night we won the NCAA!)

Amber and Sarah (who is smiling with her eyes)

Went out with Amber and Sarah tonight, and it was nice. We went to Carrboro Crossing and had rum and cokes, gin and tonics, amaretto sours, and good conversation with pictures to boot! With our language skills, I determined we can conquer Asia since we each have our own specialty. Unfortunately, China gets no love, but then again, it really doesn't need it since it's the SHIT!

I'm not drunk, I promise.

Man, ppl in front of Caribou. There're a lot of assholes who hang out in front of there, and when I'm around them I feel as though it's their mission to suck my energy out so they can replace it all with hate. Just like a dialysis machine, only instead of dirty blood for clean blood, it's positivity for negativity, and the whole affair makes me want to wash my hands of the coffee affair. At least drunks like to go to sleep--those psedo-coffee drinks are so hyped up on coffee that they ain't even scared of the po-po. Word? Just the other day one of them let the air out of Bosslady's tires, and when I parked Bertha-Nellie in front of the shop today, I made the sign over the cross over the old girl. She made it through ^_^

I'm graduating soon, but I realize that if this whole going to China thing doesn't work out like I want it to, I don't have any other recourse, really, accept to work like the average college student. I'm still operating on the school calendar, so I'd have to wait until next August or something before I could land a new gig. Wow, could I really work in an office? Or, maybe I'd be to scared to leave and I'd try to land a gig at the CAC or in the Study Abroad Office. I coudl work at the SAO, though...Imagine me, sending kids off to China, making sure they'd stop off at sketchy ass places like Kunming, Shenzhen, Chongqing, and Macao (Aomen). Then they'd see the real China.

Incest

"Incest"

Richard Bruce Nugent

I have seen the tense length of my mother’s lover--
White with strain near the body of her child;
Damp with passion beside ivory softness;
Hot with desire to be cooled with soft coolings--
Had felt hot breath breathe short on the soft lips of me.
Felt taut muscles flinch at the feel of cool softness;
Sensed damp, curly hair brush with tremors my forehead;
Felt dry lips that fumbled in pained passion searching;
Felt hard whiteness damp with thin-lipped desire
For the soft satiation of the smooth cooling ivory
Of the body of the Child of my mother and her lover

Future Plans

I cannot fancy myself a world-traveler. I've been abroad, for extended periods of time even, yet in regards to the world, I'm still very short-sighted.

Places I want to go:
2010 - Japan (Tokyo, Fukuoka)
2010 - Sichuan/Xizang/Shenyang/etc
2010 - SE Asia (Singapore, Indonesia, Vietnam, Thailand) or S. Korea!
2011 - West Coast America (San Francisco, Los Angeles, Seattle)
2011 - Canada
2011 - Mexico (years in the making!)
2012 - Paris, the Netherlands, Italy, London-town
2013 - Africa (depending on political climate) Senegal, Botswana, Nigeria, South Africa, Rwanda, Somalia, Ethiopia, Congo, and hopefully, a newly democratic Zimbabwe.

Without scholarships, though, I better be making some maaaaaad money to get all this done.

Anyone wanna come with me? We can start making plans. I've already reserved Jon for Paris, so anything is possible.

Thanks Brittney

Warning 三部!

I woke up this morning, and my first thoughts were of studying for my Chinese quiz, going to work this evening, and pulling an all nighter for my CR class.

And entire 13 minutes passed before the thought of a cigarette went through my mind.

I'm down to two cigarettes a day that I bum from friends, and if I can't bum, then not a cig I smoke. I haven't bought a pack since Saturday, and I never will again (until August...maybe).

GLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW--RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
[glory]

The Purpose

A very rough idea for something I want to do. It's shabby, but I'm too sleepy and drunk with tea and incense to refine it just yet.

Art for the sake of poverty;
Poverty for the sake of art.
Hungering to know humanity;
Wond'ring how they could part.
Digits beginning with zeros;
Hope fills his grocery cart.
Only from within of the Struggle,
Does he come to know he's smart.

Warning part deux!

That whole non-smoking thing...

Damn. I made it last then 24 hours.

But, i'm optimistic, because I wasn't going through a withdrawal like "oh, I hurt!" but more along the lines of, "I know I should be smoking...where are my cigarettes?" I would reach for them, and they weren't there. I would see someone smoke on TV or in a movie, and I would reach for my cigs to join them, and then I saw that I didn't have anymore, so I got really sad...and I overate.

Cigarettes are a form of consumption that takes place every 2 hours or so, so instead of smoking, I ate:

A cinnamon pancake I whipped up
BBQ plate from Cookout
Blueberry cheesecake milkshake from Cookout
A hamburger from a cookout my mom went to
A hotdog from a cookout my mom went to
5 chicken wings
some crab salad

And, the most surprising,
2 glasses of Diet Pepsi...but, I don't drink soda, which is the weird thing.

Oh, foiled again! Better luck next time!

Warning!

You think I'm a bitch, a fiend, a scalawag, and a sassy-pants now:

Wait until I stop smoking.

I just bought what I intend to be my last pack of cigarettes. I'm on my way home in a few hours, armed with lots of off-brand Nicorette gum, so that I can be comfortable as I go through my detox. I went to TJs and purchased my first loyal brand of cigarettes--Newports, more than a dollar more than when I first started smoking fulltime at 16 --so that I can go out with a bang. When the cashier rang up the purchase, I noticed that the price was $4.94 on the register. The cashier told me it was $4.95.

I got cheated out of the penny that was rightfully mine.

I think this shows that, with smoking, you can't win.

I haven't been so anxious to this degree for such a long time. I think I'll get past the withdrawl (night sweats, headaches, anxiety, coughing up random shit, the desperation) as if I were going through a very bad cold, but I'm more worried about failing and disappointing others and myself more than anything else.

The last time I tried to quit was during sophomore year, I think. I made it two days and broke down, and then I had to tell the two people I told about it (Laura and Bomi) that I had failed. I think I cried about it when I was alone, but I'm not sure, as I have a tendency to overdramatize things. The worse part was not the craziness that insued (I should be able to take care of that with with gum) but more-so the fear of putting a crack in my image and admitting defeat to a substance. I mean, it's a cigarette, not heroine!

I'm moving back my original quitting date of May 10, 2009 because 1) the tax is kicking in sooner and 2) I don't want my gown to smell like cigs, nor do I want to deal with the stress of trying to sneak off and smoke. I also want to do it because I'm entering a new phase in my life, and I want to be already prepared for it, not still working up the nerve.

So, yea, when I drag out this pack and smoke my last cigarette, there will be hell to pay for everyone.

God speed.

Gratitude 5

I'm grateful for:

1) finishing my China World Views paper;
2) not wanting to kill myself after (still!) being awake for more than 24 hours;
3) how nothing throws off Tyra's sense of right and wrong;
4) menfolk;
5) the rain that keeps the porch people away from Caribou;
6) one-way tickets...I hope CTLC will reimbursed me for an estimated round-trip even if I don't buy the round-trip. I mean, hell, who says I'm even going back to American in July anyway, and BETTER YET, when have two one-ways ever been cheaper than a round-trip? Someone is trying to gas my ass.

Gratitude 4

I'm grateful for:

1) the confidence I have in the fact that I will complete all my tasks this week, and that I have the strength to do so;
2) espresso;
3) tea. Water is like alcohol--you need a mixer;
4) when the gas needle sits on F for days before it starts to go down;
5) this light-jacket weather. It'll only get hotter from here (excepts when it rains the latter part of this week);
6) April 1st, when I'm going to (try to) stop smoking.

Gratitude 3

I am grateful for:

1) a renewed zeal towards my schoolwork;
2) a clean living room floor;
3) the increase in the cigarette tax next month...;
4) a mom who refers to me as a "strapping young man";
5) unlimited text messages.

Please, God, give me the knock-down, drag-out love that telenovelas are made of...I'll be a good boy.

Thought I'd Share

I love you, rotten,
Delicious rottenness.

I love to suck you out from your skins
So brown and soft and coming suave,
So morbid, as the Italians say.

What a rare, powerful, reminiscent flavour
Comes out of your falling through the stages of decay:
Stream within stream.

D. H. Lawrence [1885-1930], excerpts from 'Medlars and Sorb-Apples'

Source

Gratitude 2

I am grateful for:

1) my high-ish alcohol tolerance;

2) good co-workers who've become friends over the last 4 years;

3) that Bertha-Nellie says she's "gonna make it anyhow";

4) the Spice Girls...they're not that bad;

5) Chris Keller, played by my Christopher Meloni, on OZ because he has shown me my ideal romantic partner. I want someone who'll kill for me, go to jail for me, fuck me, and is not afraid to give me a good shake when I get a little mouthy (not hitting, of course). As Jill Scott says during her live performance of "Crown Royal," "[He] loves my mind even when it's dirty." When I see him on screen, I literally melt into the comforter set.

6) my intake of fiber, although at times it might be too high.

Clearing debts

I feel like, at this stage of my life, that I'm on the verge of moving into a new chapter, a more important one than the one we start each time we wake up. I'm trying to clear my debts against other people so that baggage will not follow me into the next step, and, believing in the Divine Judgment of Our Father, into the next life if I'm called home sooner than what I anticipate.

I've been going to people who I've held grudges against and have started the process of making amends. All of you might have heard me ranting about someone and how that person has taken control of my happiness and run a muck. Sometimes, I can go for hours talking about how much I detest someone because of what they've allegedly done to me. While it may be entertaining (^_^), the damage I do to myself by harbouring such negative feelings is one of Evil's greatest tricks--self-destruction is more effective and consuming that anything anyone else could ever do to you.

I've hugged and smiled to people who I detest, and I made an apology to someone who I used to hate with a passion last year. Because I kept seeing him everywhere I went (at my job and by my old job), I took it as a sign that I won't gain anything from my labour if I keep poisoning myself with negative emotions and dispositions. So, I apologized to him, explained why I was angry (he said he wasn't aware that there were any issues...), and tried to make amends. If I had been wise, I would've avoided the situation when it reappeared again this year through another person with the lesson I was supposed to learn and didn't. Life is funny like that.

Gratitude 1

I am grateful for:

1) the companionship of friends;
2) ambiance, like the ones found in dark bars;
3) the arrival of Spring and long hours;
4) being able to rest without guilt;
5) calling someone on the phone, and hearing them answer (this isn't true for 336.597.9362 anymore, but luckily others still are in access);
6) the instant happiness one feels after responsibly consuming alcohol;
7) being able to treat myself every now and again;
8) reliving nostalgia.

Help Me!

I think I have a "mental defect" (that's how they always phrase it on Law & Order: SVU "not guilty by reason of mental defect"). I don't have insomnia, but for the last week I've been falling asleep past 6am and waking up around 2pm. A full eight hours, but since my first class is either at 12:30 or 3, this obviously presents a problem.

A weird sleep schedule I can fix, but what I'm really concerned about is my utter lack of ability to concentrate on the task at hand. I'm a procrastinator, and since I haven't been able to curb this affliction in the last four years, I fear that I might always be one. I blame it on brain chemistry. Yet my procrastination now borders on laziness--it's not that I'm doing task out of order, but that I'm not doing task at all. I'm not reading for class, writing my assignments on time, preparing for essays in a timely manner. In fact, the only reliable aspect of my life these days is that I go to work on time because they fire people for that shit, and during an EC, one cannot afford to be jobless.

Even more pressing is the fear that pervades everything I attempt to do. Before I do an assignment, I get nervous and often put it off until I can't afford not to anymore. Then when I do it, I know I've done a poor job, and will feel guilty about it for days, culminating in a shame whenever I walk into the classroom. I've had this feeling since I was in Xiamen, and while I could justify my actions then on depression and that 4/5 of my classes sucked, I'm running out of excuses now. I'm failing one of my courses, pulling out a C- in the other, and barely hanging on in the rest. Right now, for instance, I have an assignment that I've known about for an entire week that's due in about 21 minutes that I only just began around about an hour ago. I'm slipping up badly.

I want to say it's all senioritis, but since this is for a class (and a professor) I care about, the disconnect is resounding. My life is all out of order right now, and environment is probably a key factor. Most of the time I'm isolated, and finances often preoccupy most of my thinking. I've put this stress on myself, and I have no one to blame by myself, but I'm actively seeking to help myself.

Is this prevading lethargy normal?

Sexy B&W

I love Kylie Minogue, mainly because after 10 albums, she has a legacy of material that I can dig through along with other little gems about her personal life and musical repertoire.

Like this video for a song I've NEVER heard before:


The album version (the video has the single version) is better, I think, because it matches my "i'm doing homework" groove. The video is also sexy in a mid-nineties sort of way. The video also looks strangely similar to another video I love:

Chris Isaak - Wicked Game
by djoik

Which of course, got me thinking of another sexy b&w video:



(Well, the last one is "sexy" depending on your own definition)

"I Love My Momma"

Moving, leaving, forgetting.
My fear for the future,
and my fears of the past
keep me on the grind.
Steady, evading, emancipating
from a constant enslavement,
avoiding a potential derailment,
I don't slip off the track that
got me here, but press on blindly
towards an address only I can find
with my eyes closed.

I wander, on the dark highways,
under pine-green signs,
through midnight forests under
saturated stars,
between moons and mountains,
within five phases,
under ocean clouds and rippled suns.
I find joy in a destination unknown
as my reality struggles to see
through kicked-up dust.

My home is just a suitcase away,
in the most unlikely place.
Security encloses me,
because my first home
was in her womb.

Pieces and Peace

People:

Grow the hell up.

Everyone ought to know, at this stage of the game, to be responsible for your own actions. Often times there are plenty of extenuating circumstances, but when a person has a hand in the outcome of his or her own destiny, that person should admit their fault when they fail to deliver.

Humility is a trait I didn't have much of growing up, and one of the reasons is that I compensated for my low self-esteem through continual promotion of myself and my perceived attributes. At some point, this means of existing wouldn't make the cut with many of my close intimates, and they were quick to put me in my place. My time in China, in addition, has taught me the value of harmony, and the value of not rocking the boat; sometimes it's best to hold your piece instead of flying off at the handle for the sake of everyone's continual advancement and a general peace.

Why bring this up? A certain person whose behavior I have been indulging came to me incorrectly over an issue that was her fault. By creating a situation where the incident could take place, it is therefore her fault that it took place. However, even if it weren't directly her fault, the way she approached this issue really was inappropriate. Instead of discussing it or telling me what was on her mind, she flung out the issue as an indirect insult as I was approaching her about yet another issue. Instead of reproaching her, which is my usual custom, I decided to hold my piece and let it go, retreating instead to a particularly plot twisting episode of Law & Order: SVU (Christopher Meloni = ideal man). What makes me upset about it is not the issue itself (it's minor), but that she brought up something that happened three nights ago that had obviously been eating her up, and that her attitude took away a little of my piece of mind in a place where I'm supposed to be comfortable.

Why am I so vague? Because although she doesn't care enough about me to actually read my blog, there's a chance that she might, and I don't want to put her on blast and force the two of them to gang up on me; however, what's started out as an economic relationship between friends could turn sour if I start to feel threatened or that I'm in a situation where I don't have control.

Humility. Growing up. Being adult about things. Speaking one's mind. Harmony. Gosh, the otherside of maturity is really tough.

微笑

I wish I had a phone like his, so that I could use it to change people's LIVES.

Also, he was beautiful when he smiled, but with all the time that's passed, he doesn't smile anymore.

"No Tighter Wish"

I miss Lisa "Left-eye" Lopes so much.

One of the hardest emotions I have to get through is that of missing someone. I'm often missing family members that have passed away, memories that cannot be recreated, feelings and experiences that were so alive to me at one point and are not lost in the oblivion which is the past. I miss my childhood and the innocence I had so easily and the security afforded by my mom and my family. I miss people who were once a part of my life but our relationship has since soured (like Alan, Michael, George) or vanished (Mimi). Sometimes, just that moment...it all is too much to endure sometimes.

I was talking to my friend Bobby today via text, and I was telling him about how I miss when we were really cool, back when I used to hang out in his room with him and John and we'd be so caught up in the Word, or whatever, and how Bobby and I were so close we would actively seek each other out, confide in one another, and have a genuine fraternal love for one another that evolved into something much more complicated. The things I associate with him: Spanish, biscuits, Cosmics (the DURHAM one, baby), devotion...loss of faith. We're cool now, but man, what I'd give to be able to go back and retrace some steps so that those same emotions would never have left.

Hearing the new Left-Eye posthumous album, I think about how I was so into TLC, and how she was my favorite member, and how I admired her for being able to speak her mind and step out against her sisters in order to define an identity that was her own. I remember hearing about her death, and I cried for someone who I never knew personally. When that "Rock Docs" documentary came out a few years ago, filled with clips from her video diary when she was in Honduras, it was like she was back again with the same charm and pizazz that made me fall in love with her the first time. Yet seeing how she died in that, and thinking about how art like hers won't be around again...and listening to the song on this page which I happened to stumble across a few weeks ago, I can't help but feel the void, the regrets, the sadness, and I wonder where all those good feelings went.

I know that there are good times ahead, and the gap between childhood and adulthood has been filled with some incredible experiences. I've matured a lot in the last few years, and I think it has to do primarily with being so removed from what made me comfortable, minus a few exceptions (key friends, my family, God), but I wish that there was some assurance that would allow me to rest comfortably knowing that those good feelings will come back in full force, or even that I would somehow have the opportunity that revisit some of those hurts, with the value of retrospect, and handle them differently so that they'd work out for my good.

Damn.

The EC

So, in the midst of the economic recession, how does one maintain an active social life in lieu of a severe drop in one's finances?

Today, I managed to go to not one but two extraordinary social events while spending less than $5.00 plus a little gas. How is this possible?

1) Don't leave your home/dorm/hole unless you have a valid reason. Sometimes you have to say no to people who want to get you out there in the dangerous realm of spending money. In fact, why leave the house? You've spent money on groceries (eat at home, people~! That's why you even go to the grocery store), you won't waste any unnecessary gas, and you'll not be trapped somewhere where you'll be tempted to spend money, like the mall, Wal-mart, or that cute fragrance shop. Keep your ass at home!

2) When you do have to leave, never go unless you're equipped with snacks. Raisins, peanuts, pumelos （柚子！), a bowl of insta-noodles, small apples, some cheese and crackers, chewing gum--always have something to much on so that your cravings won't get out of control and you're forced to order something CRAZY like pokey sticks.

3) If you're doing something like dinner with a friend, either pick a cheap place (like NY Pizza), or eat more extravegantly (Panang) but sacrifice for it. Suppose you only have $8.00 to spend for the entire day--either save it until the end, or cancel and do something that doesn't involve feeding your face, like getting a cup of coffee, or going exercising together.

4) Why buy a bottle of water when you can fill up at a fountain? Why buy soda when you can buy an iced tea that comes with refills? Why buy iced tea when you can carry around tea packets that just need a hotwater spout (located at any coffee shop, at Student Stores, at Alpine)? Or better yet, why ingest something bad for you like soda when, if you must spend money, you can ingest something good for you like a fruit juice or some soy?

5) Don't go to bars, but go to house parties. Bars...are ridiculously expensive, but if you must go to one, pre-game as beer is a lot cheaper at home than at the bar, and drinks are the best tasting when they are made at someone else's expense at a house party. Of course, no one likes a mooch, so don't drink up someone's liquor, ya' drunk!

Today, while following all these rules, I spent no more than $5.00, spent on a pinapple (a gift) for a dinner party I attended. I drank other people's liquor all day long, but instead of going crazy with it, I decided I'd safe the real fun for when I got home to my own. Also, I ate breakfast/lunch BEFORE I left my house so that I was satisfied until my next meal, and I only consumed what I could get for free or I'd have to take my happy ass home and eat there. The EC (Economic Crisis) is weighing heavily on everyone's shoulders, but this is one man who will do his best to keep from going under!

三八

我就是一个三八。

但是，什么时候三八受到了不好的意思呢？

我想，关于女权主义美国女人以及中国女人对于这个主题具有一样的想法。美国人也怕又努力又独立的妇女。于我家庭中，有能力的女人并不是另类的事情。

比方说，我妈妈是单亲。虽然不是最好的情况，不但她代表我所有的妇女可当的：超人。

What's also interesting is that this is an international holiday, and while it's prominence is widely felt on the streets of Beijing (at least), we haven't brought the holiday to our shores, and I think that this says more about our chauvinistic tendencies more-so than the Chinese's.

Beating Daybreak

I dawned under you...
midnight, forcefully, you made
me cum nighttime shine.

(from 15 July 2008)

I want to keep my livejournal 4-ever...anyone know how (other than copying and pasting the whole damn thing)?

深圳 2

深 - deep
圳 - drains

What an ugly name for a city...

The itis

Since I escaped this during high school, because I still had AP courses, was in a lot of clubs, and was in a very competitive academic environment, I managed to avoid this affliction.

However, in college, my disenchantment with the whole ivory tower and realizing that, because I've taken so many courses, my GPA won't budge anymore significantly, and also having guarded myself against complete failure in my courses, I have this condition in full swing, and am not very concerned by the whole matter.

My list of priorities are as such:
1) Family & Very Close Friends
2) Work (Caribou)
3) Work (CAC)
4) Friends
5) Sleep
6) Classical Chinese
7) Cultural Revolution
8) China World Views
9) Econ

It's great to already by employed ^__^. It's like a weight has been lifted. I already know what I'm going to do after college, and although that has it's own slew of problems, at least I know I'll have some sort of security during the E.C. (economic crisis--it's so important now, people are starting to abbreviate it).

So, fuck college. Even if I dropped out now, I'd still have a degree, two minors, and I could still wear a cloudy blue gown. Life is sweet, and I refuse to let academics bring me down. I'll be a stellar student in Grad School, promise.

young and poor

I understand the desperation that comes from being in debt.

When I was little, I saw from my mom and other people in the community what it was like to be poor, and while most managed to stay afloat, the threat of falling under literally shortens people's lives, deprives them of happiness, and creates a world outlook that looks on prosperity with a hint of contempt and acrid jealousy.

Graduating from college, and swearing that I would become financially independent upon my graduation, I recently took a long, hard look at my finances. They're quite scary, and will get scarier in the coming year(s). My goal is to be free of all debts related to undergrad by the time I go to graduate school. To do that, I'll have to start slinging crack, of working at the Rusty Jiggler nights and weekends.

Luckily, I learned after years of squandering my money how to save it, be wise with my purchases, and to value the importance of a savings account (you're supposed to SAVE in it, not just to hold money until you can spend it, nor is it for keeping a backup in case you overdraft). I'm still a little scared, especially since I've taken my car, Bertha Nellie, to get her state inspection, which I failed, because 5 things are wrong with her. The price of getting it all fixed is unspeakable.

How does one make more money when one has very little? Get another job, but the idea of working 2.5 jobs while going to class full time...yikes! I don't want to take out anymore loans, nor do I want to max out any credit cards...it seems like a cruel joke, really, especially when I JUST accepted a job that doesn't start for months and will incur quite a few expenses before I can recoup any of the initial costs.

Jeez...to be young and poor.

May 10, 2009

My Momma on graduation day, when she realizes that she won't have to listen to my angry phone calls and rants anymore:



Oh, and she just bought her first wig 2 weeks ago. Wigs rock! \\ ^_^ //

深圳

*rant*

I was writing a message in Daegan's comments, and now it's turned into this.

The original comment was:

"...why is everyone badmouthing the whole teaching gig? Don't they know that me (and Diadra, and other Chinese majors) are in China to become super fancy specialist later on in life? I mean, damn! I'm not a foreign skeezoid, and I'm not there to lay down next to Chinese women. I wanna speak Chinese better than a 3 year old and make some guan-xi, shop, pay some loans, build up a resume, and scout out a high-paying job while studying for the 汉语水平考试 and the GRE. Jeez...>_<"

For further elaboration: I'm going to China because I have a certain set of goals in mind, and I want to accomplish them, and this is the best way that I can find at this time to get them done. It's not like I've never been to China before, but having been twice already and having a fairly good idea of what to expect, I'm not walking into this whole China experience with my head up my ass. I can speak a dabbling of Chinese, I enjoy my experience teaching English through BOLD at UNC and through my teaching gig in Xiamen, and while I may not love Shenzhen (because I haven't seen it all, I'm sure), I love Hong Kong, and can appreciate the location and it's proximity to other places as well as the friend(s...when Alex comes) I have there and my love of traveling and stepping out of my comfort zone (and, on some occasion, Chinese boys and men with accents).

When I first went to Beijing, I used to crack on the English teachers because they all fit the same profile: white men, non-Chinese speakers despite years in the country, sketch-ass, drunks, impassioned, and in China because they can't do anything better with their lives in their home countries. Also, what drove them to China (or to Korea, Namibia, and Saudi Arabia) was not an open-minded outlook and a thirst for adventure, but more of a chance to get over on some people who are in a more dire economic circumstance than they are. Now, after my Xiamen period, I've discovered that an English teacher doesn't have to fit that mold, and that the position is as big or as little as one makes it. I have the goals in mind that I listed above, and I plan to move onto something better as soon as I get the chance. Now, better has several connotations in my mind, and the biggest one is this: if my school offers me more money to stay on, and I'm not where I want to be at that stage in my life later at that time, then I'll keep my ass in Shenzhen and won't miss a second of accepting a good opportunity if I can get my hands on it.

Of course, in order to go to China, I'm giving up a lot, and knowing the fear I have that an episode like the one I had with my Grandma's passing may occur again, I'm proud that I won't let fear the Enemy implanted in my rule my life. I'm not running away from my family and friends because I love them dearly and the mean so much to me. What I'm doing is claiming my victory and what God has in store for my by accepting this opportunity, and running after a dream instead of sitting around wondering what could have been, filled with regret about the opportunities I didn't take when I had the chance. One things I know for certain is this: you don't always have the chance because a tomorrow is not promised to anything (death is promised but life is not). So, as long as I have breath in my body, I'm going to get through this life the best way I know how: doing whatever God will have me to do. There's a big difference between running away and running toward a destination.

How did I decide a day early? I was at Caribou, working on a paper due at 12:30 that I had just started at 7:30. I went to go potty, and while I was sitting there, Something came over me, and I knew what my answer was to be. Yes, it was in the potty, and yes, it was while I was sitting down, and YES! it wasn't in my plans, but I had asked for some divine help on this problem, and God provided, sure enough. Now, I don't know what is in store for me, but anything that the Lord has given his approval for will not fail. It might not turn out how we expect it to, but it won't be a waste of time.

So, while I didn't have the idea of becoming an English teacher in my plans, I'm thankful that it's with one of the best programs in China and that I will come out of it with skills and experience I wouldn't have had otherwise. I'm happy with my decision, and while it's still a ways off from August and the idea hasn't really settled in yet, I'm that in a few months I'll be able to rename this blog "Grinding through the Orient" because that's exactly what I'll be doing.

*rant end*

I'm seriously considering going into some sort of ministry. Not like divinity school or anything of that nature, but I think I want to work with troubled youth or as someone's guidance coach or a support system for someone who doesn't have one. Any opportunities?

Goku

Tell me, so I can understand:

Why is a white Canadian man, Justin Chatwin, going to play Goku in the upcoming Dragonball: Evolution movie?

The film will be released in Asia in March and will come out in America around April. This says a lot in itself since American-made movies often come out here first since the threat of piracy won't diminish the sales our biggest production companies want. Moreover, if a movie surrounding a Japanese franchise (manga, anime, all that) will be released in Asia first, why not make the character at least faux-Japanese (Edison Chen or Stephen Chow come to mind) so that the movie won't be such a dramatic departure from the spirit of the franchise. Or, why not make it cast of all Western actors instead of the majority-Asian ensemble cast? Or, why not reach out a little Hollywood and find a Japanese-American (it's fuckin' California) to play the lead and cast the rest however you want? They found one Chinese-American to be in the film already.

Also, for Chow Yun-Fat to put his name on this piece of muckity-muck shows me that the man is suffering from a bit of despearation in his old age.

This whole mess stinks of Ghandi. I think I'll be pissed off until I see JFK played by Terrence Howard.

Graduation

Can I just say, when I graduate from UNC, I will be like Patti Labelle in this video 3:37-5:43.



No, I won't be singing like her, but dammit, I thought of myself rolling around the floor like her, and I started to giggle. It is HILARIOUS~!

It's 4:18AM. What am I going to do about that Econ test tomorrow?

Happy Valentine's Day

这是多么美妙的夜晚树叶随着影子移动

月亮从风中照射下来透明的让人感到害怕

黄色的草根上沾满了你那些被冻住的眼泪

白色的霜在半夜里到来除了风，还是风

但你知道在一公里外的某个地方

有些恐惧才刚刚开始

这是多么美妙的夜晚你躺着却无法入睡

世界在你的身体里面却总是抵不上一个思想

这是多么美妙的思想美妙的让人感到害怕

这些思想都是我的，你说谁也不能将它偷走

但你知道在一公里外的某个地方

有些恐惧才刚刚开始

烟被吐出，时间变慢酒精被倒进干净的杯子

煤气点燃，电灯被拉亮音乐随着顺序出现

书被打开又被合上皮鞋踩着地板的声音

总是让人感到紧张

Forebearance

I need to learn to be more patient.

Saturday

Last Saturday, I went with my Aunt Sista to spread the remainder of my Grandma's ashes as a Birthday gift (her birthday is on the 6th). She told me we were doing it so that, maybe, if the ashes were out of her house, she could stop having so many dreams about her (a few is ok, but every other night would pull at anyone's heartstrings).

With Grandma chilling in the backseat, we made it the cemetery where other members of my family lay. Grandpa Fletcher who I never met. Cousin Chris who passed away when I was too young to really get a clear picture of him (when I turned his age, which was during my high school years, I wondered what sort of relationship we would have--I'm confident it would have been like brothers). While drinking my new slimming tea, we unscrewed the mahogany box she was in and and released her ashes over her marker and around Grandpa, through the wind. The first time I dealt with cremated ashes, I was surprised to notice how grainy their were instead of the fine powder I expected. It reminded me that the body is made of bones and other tough material that enable us to get through this life and withstand all sorts of abuse.

The ashes got on my jeans, on my hanky, and on my mug. It reminded me of the scene from "Relax...It's Just Sex" when the cast released the ashes on the wind at the beach and it flew back into their faces. It wasn't a sad occassion in the movie, and it wasn't sad in my reality either.

I still miss Grandma, and while I can talk about her and of her without the tears, I wonder what life would be like if she were still here, and whether it would resemble this present in any sort of way. I know there are certain things I would've done and would not have done if she were still around, and the question of her approval wouldn't be so pressing for me, but, man, you can't question God like that.

So, because I communicate best through music, I dedicate this song to her memory, and to the hope of seeing her again some day.

Question (to the world and to self):

When does being "grown and sexy" amount to nothing but pure slutty-ness?

I mean, even if it is tempting to the eye, like food, it doesn't mean one should put it in his mouth.

Blizzards

Last night, on my way home to Pittsboro at around 1:30am, I was attacked by a freak snow storm.

Sure, it wasn't all that "freak" because it was predicted on the news, but as I was driving the rain changed to hard-hitting snow in an instant. Soon, I could hardly see the way in front of me, and my wipers were on the high. I would have missed the snow and got home a little earlier, but one of the customers (one who I used to have a crush on before I realized just how sketch the people he hangs out with are) needed a ride home, along with my co-worker/friend who always needs a ride home these days, who first had to go to an ATM...anyway, I was delayed, and while driving in teh snow, I felt as if I were going to die.

I've been having these sensations for some time now. I've even been cleaving to God a lot more often and more passionately than I have in the past few years. part of that is because of my grandma's passing, but also because mortality is certain and life is not. I've got my eyes focused on the kingdom more-so than in the present. And that's fine, because that's where they should be, but it's more because the present is so drab and dreary that there's nothing else to look forward too.

Call it senioritis, but I call it fatalism.

(side topic)
My teacher for this philosophy/religious studies/asian studies course, called me, or rather what I say, "arrogant." Whatever, bitch.

Flesh fell from his bones, yo!

I got the most horrendous cold from a co-worker. I think I could have escaped it if I hadn't closed a record four times in a row alongside her for three of those nights. I was so broken down that by Friday I skipped Econ class again, flunked a homework assignment, and escaped towards home.

Everything was going well last week, too, since I really was on my A-game about getting things done. I realize completely what people mean by "at least you've got your health." Things were shitty before, but man, not being able to control your body is no fun at all.

This is my new slow jam song, btw:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYmjMaiQ1mA

For the grown-folks only.

Entries of more substance will come later. I need to catch my bearings first.

Seduction

(Fall 2008)

Seduction.
Grasping my neck
drawing me in
biting my ear
gripping my jeans...
pulling them down, down, down
and me drowning deep, deep,
dropping to him, my knees,
and forgetting my truth.

Seduction,
away from me I
fly to you, feeling
my feet dragging along
the earth. flagrant
abandonment and threadbare silk,
flaired leather and
moth-eaten cloth.

Seduction,
made me open my eyes
and clear my throat--
shake my dick
and man up real hard
to stand up to you.
Competition, with my lovers,
in the streets, under covers,
until seduction,
pulsating kryponite,
pulled me in, wiped me out.

Be Ready...

A Change is coming...

Updates coming soon.