I think I have a "mental defect" (that's how they always phrase it on Law & Order: SVU "not guilty by reason of mental defect"). I don't have insomnia, but for the last week I've been falling asleep past 6am and waking up around 2pm. A full eight hours, but since my first class is either at 12:30 or 3, this obviously presents a problem.
A weird sleep schedule I can fix, but what I'm really concerned about is my utter lack of ability to concentrate on the task at hand. I'm a procrastinator, and since I haven't been able to curb this affliction in the last four years, I fear that I might always be one. I blame it on brain chemistry. Yet my procrastination now borders on laziness--it's not that I'm doing task out of order, but that I'm not doing task at all. I'm not reading for class, writing my assignments on time, preparing for essays in a timely manner. In fact, the only reliable aspect of my life these days is that I go to work on time because they fire people for that shit, and during an EC, one cannot afford to be jobless.
Even more pressing is the fear that pervades everything I attempt to do. Before I do an assignment, I get nervous and often put it off until I can't afford not to anymore. Then when I do it, I know I've done a poor job, and will feel guilty about it for days, culminating in a shame whenever I walk into the classroom. I've had this feeling since I was in Xiamen, and while I could justify my actions then on depression and that 4/5 of my classes sucked, I'm running out of excuses now. I'm failing one of my courses, pulling out a C- in the other, and barely hanging on in the rest. Right now, for instance, I have an assignment that I've known about for an entire week that's due in about 21 minutes that I only just began around about an hour ago. I'm slipping up badly.
I want to say it's all senioritis, but since this is for a class (and a professor) I care about, the disconnect is resounding. My life is all out of order right now, and environment is probably a key factor. Most of the time I'm isolated, and finances often preoccupy most of my thinking. I've put this stress on myself, and I have no one to blame by myself, but I'm actively seeking to help myself.
Is this prevading lethargy normal?
Country Livin' (The World I Know)
About Me
- Derek
- I like to travel, eat, love, prepare gourmet coffee drinks, and broaden horizons. I'm also very black, both in color and in culture. I love China, but I hate Chinese people with cameras. I love God and Grandma.
2 comments:
All I have is my own experience from senior year. I got lazy and apathetic, procrastinating on everything until the last possible second. This was after years of practice on procrastinating, so that the last possible second really was the LAST possible second. But I knew it could be done, so I guess it was kind of cocky, too. Point is, it's hard to care so much for so long. Especially when there are so many other things going on, things that seem to impact your future more than that stupid paper that's due. So what if it's not your best? Good enough is... well... good enough.
Point is, if you want to change, you can. It's just not going to be easy. You're already almost done. Just a couple more months, and you'll have a nice, fancy, reputable diploma and, if you don't want to, you'll never have to write another paper or sit through an hour and a half of another person's haughty, educated ramblings again.
I have faith in you, and I'll see you when you get back <3
啊， 我明白了你的问题。 我的是一样，但我们都知道你又冲又聪明的人。 别想到你不会做的东西因为世界上没有那样的事情。 我把很多爱给你啊! :P
Post a Comment