I'm Worried

Because I don't see what I think I should be seeing. I'm in Xiamen, which is a gorgeous place, but it's lacking something I desperately need:

Reality.

I feel there is a block between me and "China," and I believe most of it is my doing. Once I got here and things started to happen back home (deaths, suicide attempts, lackluster friendships, missing out on key-events, depression,), I kind of tuned out my time here and instead looked forward to the future, to returning, more so to living in this present reality. But, even before all of this "stuff" went down, I realized there were/are aspects of this place, this Xiamen, that I dislike.

For example: the people here have a manner of politeness about them that has a lot of benefits, such as cars stopping for you when you cross the road (and by stopping, I mean going from 70 mph to 69 mph), and even mustering up a little English to say "Excuse me," or something else along those lines. It also leads to one of the most sparkling-clean cities I've ever seen. Yet, when it comes to getting to know the people here, the politeness and the pleasantries come off not as reserve, but as being stand-off-ish. I feel like, trying to forge friendships here with the locals has been difficult, to say the least, because people are wowed by my skin color and my foreigness instead of being wowed by me as a person (like they should ^_^). Also, having better Chinese than I did a year ago, I realize what people around me are saying, and in general it's not complimentary. Sometimes it's an observation--other times its an insult. I'm tired to scaring Chinese folks--I want some reality.

I want to make real friends. Granted, it takes a while to make real friends, and expecting that I'd make them in less than 4 months is ridiculous. However, it did happen--in less time--a year ago in Beijing: 燕子, Katie, Stacy, Diadra, Daegan, Ben, 宋鹏 (criteria is based on who I regularly talk too--there are more people whom I'll talk to again, but at this time...*call me ^_^*). Sometimes, you gel with people so fast that, man, you can't help wanting to stay around each other for the long time. People here in Xiamen, and in the south in general, aren't so willing to let you into their in-group (similar to the Japanese and Koreans), which is not what I found when I was in Beijing. People there saw me as a person, who happened to be black and foreign and funny-sounding, but my humanity was their first observation. In Xiamen, I can't help but to be black.

This realization, of course, greatly influences where I'll look for work in the future. If my other options don't pan out (shout-out to Am-baa!), then I'll be in Beijing. Or even Xiamen again because I already have had a taste of a good gig being here. Definitely not Shenzhen. But, i want to be in a place where people have at least met one foreigner before so I can focus on developing a relationship where race isn't the primary issue.

Or, second-thought...I'd rather be in a place with more excepting people, but not necessarily packed with foreigners. If I wanted that, I'd move to Shanghai and be an English teacher on stay on the club circuit and not learn any Chinese and only eat foreign food in foreign places with foreign friends speaking our devil tongues.

I'm not sure why I'm rambling. I procrastinationg more so than anything else. I need to write two papers in the next two weeks.

Paper one:
The Use of Gay Bars in fostering a Gay Idenity in Xiamen, China

Paper two:
Arg~! "Pirates of a More Traditional-Sort: Chinese Pirates and the Port-side Economy"